February 6, 2014…Six Months…
Yes. It has been six months today.
I know…it doesn’t seem that long, does it? Sometimes it seems like it has flown by, and sometimes it feels like my life has come to a screeching halt.
The 6th day of the month is a solemn reminder because that is day that Logan actually lost his life, but the 7th is worse. That is the day that I found my son’s body on the bank of the creek. That is the day each month that the images, thoughts & grief overwhelm me.
Damn! I miss my boy!!
Although I have survived six months without him, and it has been the most difficult time in my life, I am convinced that I can continue to take each day as it comes until it’s time for me to join him.
Recently I had someone that I truly cared about & respected tell me that a lady he knows “lost her firstborn & yet she doesn’t use that as am excuse for every emotional problem & issue in her life…” Needless to say I wrote that person off and he doesn’t deserve the honor of my presence. FYI, he was a devout “Christian”. Unfortunately, it was only on the surface…obviously. It’s the people you think would understand the most who don’t…that is truly disappointing. Unfortunately, those are also the people who will find that Karma does come around.
I guess the point of that is to say, my grief is different than your grief. No two deaths are alike…my son dying at 23 and leaving a 3-year-old daughter behind is different than someone losing their child in the womb or at birth…not worse, just different. My son dying suddenly & tragically is different than losing a child one who is fighting an exhausting battle with cancer…not worse, just different. Finding my son’s dead body 16 hours after his death by drowning is different than someone who is allowed to be there to say goodbye…not worse, just different. Well, that might be worse.
So, if you are one of the few people who are reading this & thinking to yourself, “It’s been six months…when is she going to stop talking about this…?” The answer is, the day I wake up and find my son standing over me saying, “Mom, God said it’s time. Come with me.”
That will be the day the heaviness is lifted from my heart. In the meantime, thank you all for your patience with me…and for constantly listening & praying.